By Jessica Huseman and David De La Fuente
To both boost ratings and determine which candidate would next lunch with America’s favorite combover, Trump secretly hosted “GOP Apprentice.” Candidates were asked to start a private sector businesses. Whoever created the most jobs during the span of the show won a pizza dinner with the Trump.
Here’s what went down:
Ron Paul broke the mold and opened a company that would replace the FDA. His company took untested drugs, sold them to the public and then polled them to see how effective the drug was. Unfortunately, due to unpredictable side effects, many of his recipients were unable to respond to the poll questions when Paul’s employees called and his company failed the Trump test. He was fired.
Texas Governor Rick Perry decided to drop out of the show two days in. After becoming delirious and falling asleep an hour into the challenge, he attempted to set up a tenant farm on top of Trump Tower. He was quickly evicted. Perry then realized he had no other private sector experience and thus had no other ideas. He was fired.
Michelle Bachmann started a second branch of the Christian counseling center she started with her husband back in Minnesota. She decided New York could use a dose of Christian teachings. Unfortunately, she only hired her 23 children to run the center – none of whom have formal training in counseling. She was fired.
Herman Cain’s $9.99 pizzas were a hit on the show, until the realities of his tax plan set in. Under Cain’s 9-9-9 plan, the pizza ended up costing a little under $12 in New York. The pizza also wasn’t that good. He was fired.
Rick Santorum chose to give advice for money. He believed his “morals and values” would be accepted readily with the American public, and quickly opened his doors and charged a small flat fee for his thoughts. He quickly found he was wrong. Most found him extremely annoying. Santorum has gone missing and has not been heard from again.
Buddy Roemer knocked furiously on the door to Donald Trump’s office when he was not allowed onto the show. Donald Trump quickly had him removed, and Roemer went on to complain on Twitter because he was left out. So did Gary Johnson.
Jon Huntsman added a satellite of his family’s company in the lobby of Trump Tower. He immediately hired 40 employees and then expanded his services to China. Huntsman was disqualified for daring to use moderate consensus-building policies in his successful business.
Mitt Romney waited until all of the other candidate’s businesses were close to collapse, took them over, dismantled them and sold them off. He hired no one, but made a ton of cash. Trump would have hired Romney but when some Kenyan reportedly made $70 million by simply singing “Change” on American Idol, Trump ended the competition realizing his show could never realistically beat the incumbent No. 1 reality show.